Sad news....

Well after keeping this big secret all through the holidays we finally got our chance to see the baby last night during the first ultrasound. I felt anxious all day and have had a bad feeling that something would be wrong. Well I guess my intuitions were correct because we were told that the baby had no heartbeat and had stopped growing at 6w1d. I/we was/were devastated...it still feels unreal. I know that there was nothing I could do to prevent it, that it happens to many people and in fact many of our friends...but it just feels unreal. So tomorrow morning I am scheduled for a D&C to remove the fetus. I am really scared...I have never been to the hospital for anything other than visiting people before. I am so sad that the plans we had started to make and the decisions we were making about our lives are not going to happen....at least for a while longer. I am scared to go through this again. We will have to wait several months to even start trying again. NO 2008 baby...and I really thought finally this would be our year. I am glad the few people that know are good understanding friends, but I still feel lonely. After tomorrow I am going to try to focus on myself. (I need to lose some weight that the PG hormones helped me gain and I can start my running again). I was alway the first person to say things happen for a reason...but after all John and I have been through, I am just wondering what the reason is??

Its been a long time...

I guess I didn't think I'd have too much to say and just have been plugging along at work and such...I was really good last month with taking my temp and charting since the prior month its seems my boday was a little screwed up...anyhow, somehow nature played a cruel joke on my husb and I, cuz it seemed that my "fertile" time landed on Thanksgiving day...while we were visiting my parents in Maine. Reluctantly, DH (who will never turn a quickie down) performed his manly duties.
Fast forward one week...I just did not feel like myself, I know my body...and I felt weird. Risking sounding like one of the crazy people who think every symptom is a sign of pregnancy, I admit that my one dog was following me around and laying with me, which he NEVER does. I also had a really realistic dream that I was pregnant. Knowing what I now know (I'll get to that), those were surefire signs that we are having a baby!!! Well, I had a positive test result at least.
I just don't really "feel" PG, even though I am about to bust out of my shirt today and if my husband touches my boobs one more time he will be left with a bloody stump...other than that I feel fine. A twinge here and there...
We are not telling anyone, so my challenge this holiday season is to appear like my usual drunken self, without the alcohol...acting skills--please I need you!!! People are always on the lookout for syptoms and I am not sure I can fool everyone!!! So anyway, John and I will be pulling the wool over everyone's eyes until we can confirm that this little peanut is growing the way he or she needs to...wish us luck.
Please no morning sickness for Christmas dinner Santa!!

Baby - 0 The Bitch - 1

Well the temps never lie...my friend Shannon swore this to me from the first day she explained temping to me. I was so excited to get to 8 days past my ovulation day and have a temp drop. The girls on the nest always talk about that happening and it being this implantation dip thing. But then yesterday it even lower...I even took my temp three times, but still it was too low. And then she showed up...the bitch. So here I am back to square one...getting my blood taken on CD 3 tomorrow morning and getting ready to do the whole ovulation predictor thing again. I guess it was too good to be true that we could hit the lottery on our first try. So much for telling my parents at Thanksgiving...but anyway I will get to finish my training for the 5K.
I realized that I have several things to do before we get pregnant and I am trying to concentrate on that and not drive myself crazy about getting PG. Its hard though...every time I see a PG woman I just wish it were me...I want the baby bump...I want to buy baby things and talk about baby things...I want to make my parents grandparents...
But in the meantime I am going to kick this C25K's ass...I am going to run 3 miles, no matter how long it takes me...and I am going to get this house organized and get our money organized and train our dogs and lose ten pounds and decorate for the holidays...see tons to do.
Baby....what? I am too busy...if it happens it happens (this is TOTALLY reverse psychology!!)

Its a waiting game...

Well...after several tries with the OPK I finally got the big "go-ahead"...the signal to do it like bunnies. Without really sharing too much information with John on what was going on with my body and my cycle (at his request) I managed to squeeze in some baby-making hopefully at the right times. I still feel like a living science project...it really is amazing...once the OPK came back with a positive I knew that in a couple of days I would see the temp shift...and sure enough this morning it shot up to 98.1 degrees (and all time high for me). So now, if i got all of my information straight, I am supposed to hope that my temps stay up there.
I am trying so hard to not be totally obsessive about the next two weeks, but it is really hard not thinking about it. I want so much to be able to share good news with my family on Thanksgiving day...in person. Although I am still freaked out about having something living and growing inside of me...I think of the movie Aliens...hahhaa. I feel like there is so much to learn about before bringing a baby into this world. After a trip to Babies R Us today for my friend's baby shower this weekend I feel like I am going to enter into a whole other world. Everything will change...I could be someones mother next year at this time!!

All of this is very scientific...

For the past month or so I have been doing research like a scientist attempting to win a nobel prize. I wish I had known for all these years exactly what is going on inside my body...why don't they teach you in school that there is such a small window for opportunity to make a baby. I have turned into a temperture taking, day charting, fluid examining (I know....TMI)...freak. I have done more research on the body's signs of fertility than I remember doing for any paper or project in the years I was in school.
So here I am typing away while my husband is napping next to me...and I am thinking "sleep my honey... I will be waking you up tomorrow morning for some more baby making"...it is cycle day 11 and we need to do it every other day for the next 2 weeks...doctors orders!!! Right now he seems very excited about this, but we'll see in a couple of weeks. If my calculations are correct we can't go wrong. There should be a little baby "twig" in my belly before Turkey Day! I hope so, there is nothing more I would want to share with my family than that...